By Kevin Sugarman
Yes, I’m back with my latest entry for the “tool of the month” blog. It probably won’t come as a shock that we have two winners this month – both were so outstanding that I could not differentiate between them and will give them equal time in the blog.
Our first tool comes from the great state of Nebraska. Tom Larvie, 35, recently had 10 misdemeanor counts filed against him, nine of which were for public indecency – this fact would already make Tom a winner in this blog, as I wasn’t even aware that there were nine different ways a person could be indecent in public. The good people of Valentine actually don’t know Tom by his given name, but instead simply know him as the “The Butt Bandit”. You see, Tom “The Butt Bandit” Larvie has been terrorizing the people of Valentine since the spring of 2007 by, and I quote, “Leaving greasy, graphic imprints of his naked behind, and sometimes his groin, on the windows of stores, churches and schools.” I know what you’re wondering, “greasy”? I have your answer; it appears that Tom lathered himself in lotion and petroleum jelly before each of his little adventures.
I find it hard to believe that Nebraska has a “Butt Bandit” on the lose when in the very same state there is a law stating, and I quote again, “no female wearing a hat that would scare a timid person can be seen eating onions in public.”
I thought the next story would get everybody in the holiday spirit. Our second contestant comes from Raleigh, North Carolina, and is named Fred Louis Ervin. Fred is a bit of scumbag. He went on a mini crime-binge recently – he started with robbing a gas station, then beat a shopper in front of a grocery store, and finished by stealing her car and committing a few hit and runs. The good part comes when the police caught up with him a short time later and needed to take him to the hospital to treat some injuries. How did the Fred become injured, you ask? Well, it seems that while he was attacking the woman in the parking lot and attempting to steal her car, other shoppers came to her defense. One shopper in particular caused a great many of Fred’s injuries by blasting him with a frozen turkey. Fred still managed to escape, but was much worse for the wear.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, enjoy your tryptophan-induced slumbers.
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