By Kevin Sugarman
So I am back with the second installment of the tool-of-the-month post. For the purposes of this blog, I would like to rename the month of October Craftsman, in honor of the overwhelming number of tool candidates. In a former life, to help pay my way through college, I worked in the construction business - there has yet to be a tool belt built that can accommodate the number of tools this month had to offer. Seriously, even Batman's belt….okay, okay, I'll stop.
Before I get to the winner, let me introduce you to a few of the month's runners-up. We have the man who is filing a lawsuit because he was struck by a performer's (evidently loose fitting) shoe at a…(wait for it)…strip club called…(wait for it)…the Booby Trap. According to the AP, the lawsuit claims that the" employee failed to perform her routine in a reasonably safe manner. "To ensure that I am not banned from the EPR blog for life, I am going to refrain from adding any additional commentary to this one, but know that I am dieing to.
Then we have Brad Sciullo, a 21-year-old man from Pennsylvania, who spent 4 hours and 39 minutes gorging on a 15-pound hamburger - with toppings, the behemoth burger weighed in at over 20 pounds. The 8-plus ounces of mayo alone are enough to gag a maggot. Brad spent the entire afternoon destroying his insides for $400, three T-shirts, and a certificate. I am sure that the certificate is presently being framed so that Brad can hang it on the wall right next to his autographed photo of Joey Chestnut (if you have been living under a rock, Joey is the Bay Area local boy who made good by dethroning Kobayashi in the Nathan’s hotdog-eating contest) and his Little League certificate-of-participation award.
Ernie Chambers earns special recognition this month for creativity. Mr. Chambers makes the runner-up list for his lawsuit against God for "widespread death, destruction, and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." The lawsuit was thrown out of court because of the inability to properly serve God due to his unlisted home address, seriously. The kicker: Mr. Chambers is a state senator.
I could go on and on, as these fine citizens are just a taste of what the month had to offer. But there was one special individual who will forever have a place in my heart, and her name is Michelle Allen. According to AOL, Michelle was charged with disorderly conduct after she was caught impeding traffic, chasing children, and urinating on her neighbor’s lawn. It appears that Michelle left her job at a theme park to go on a "drinking binge" and things got just a little out of control. While the story is fascinating, it is the mug shot that accompanies the article that won Michelle the tool of the month award. You see, when Michelle was arrested she was still in her park uniform, a cow suit. I am currently setting my screensaver to said mug shot. Thank you, Michelle – it is because of you that I will now smile every time my computer goes idle.
It was an amazing month. My only concern is that this blog can only go down hill from here. Don't forget to comment and send along your tool candidates.
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